afraid to look down, afraid to turn around
( 01.27.2004 )
every day seems to be getting longer.. and i feel as though i am accomplishing nothing. then i get in a slump where i don't want to do anything, because i've done nothing for so long and i'm accustomed to feeling horrible about my lack of success.
but then i get up and face another day.
i don't know. it's not that bad, but it's not that good. i grow tired of people not calling me back. but you know, it's not like i'm trying all that hard either. i am simply dying for a new, full-time job.
it's just difficult to not wake up and already feel so defeated --- to style hair, apply make-up, look presentable & confident, but still feel like a reject. see, i take things too personally.
heh, and you know, it's funny trying to exude confidence when you think you're so unattractive. (sounds like self-pity, but IT'S SO TRUE TO ME)
& i miss my boyfriend. horribly. i never thought i would miss.. EVERYTHING about someone so much. i find myself so attracted to all his physical features just because they are his. does that make sense? i guess i am trying to say that his personality and character traits have won me over to the point where i love everything about him.
but yes. i miss him. i don't enjoy being away from him, but i know i can take it and i know the wait is always worth it. i will see him soon.
now, i would just like to ask that all of you pray/hope that someone will give me loads of money.. or that someone will hire me, either one i guess.
