one [ ] night, we screamed our agonies & i swear i tried to care. i tried, i tried..
( 09.24.2003 )
lots of things remind me of andrew. his absence is affecting me in so many ways. i have difficulty laughing at jokes. my ears perk up when i hear the word shotgun. my emotions flare when someone says [even jokingly] that they want to shoot themself; i just get angry. sometimes all i want to do is cry. i remember how real it all is. i realize how badly i want to escape reality.
i want to rip out my insides and tear them into shreds that could never be put back together - ONLY so the pain would have nowhere to reside.
a few hours ago, all i wanted to do was cut. i was on the phone and breaking apart a razor. i'm so fucking stupid. the person on the other line didn't have any idea. i didn't want them to. oddly enough, every time my hand would go near that tiny piece of metal, the person would speak up and i'd have to recoil my fingers. it felt entirely too wrong to do that to them. by the end of the conversation, they had cheered me up significantly - - they didn't know it, though.
