broken hearts want broken necks.
( 09.13.2003 )
i really needed people today; touching, joking, nothing, everything. even when everyone congregated in my room and we swapped gaming stories.. it was all fun.
and now it's over. goodnight, goodnight, bye.
it's difficult being alone with my thoughts again. whenever i'm with others, i focus in on their feelings. if i can make them happy, then i'm happy. that's all i'm worried about. but then when i'm alone.. i am at a loss of what to do. how do i manage my own feelings? what? i just don't understand.
when people ask how i am, it's difficult not to stutter. e.g. i was depositing a paycheck the other day, and the bank teller was trying to be friendly and asked how i was. i kind of blanked out, and then replied, "ah, good. i need to make a deposit and a small withdrawl.."
you cannot tell a stranger, "hey, i feel horrible, but other than that, things are peachy keen."
but then again, i can't even admit to friends how i really feel. i have to divert the topic elsewhere. it's almost frightening that i really do live my life as if no one is there to help me (on an emotional level.) my automatic response to a bad feeling is to retreat somewhere, preferrably my room, and sort it out myself. and by "sort it out myself," i mean through whatever means i find to be the easiest. usually, i don't actually work out the problem at hand. i'll rub self-pity until it's thoroughly absorbed. maybe i will try some self-destructive means to make a temporary exit from pain. you know. whatever works.
the last thing i wanted to do was to go to sleep. but it's all right..
