[are you gonna be your own goddamn best friend]
( 09.04.2003 )
i don't even know what to say anymore. i'm tired all the time. & i'm getting more sleep than i have for quite awhile. maybe it's because i can't talk to you as much; i want to sleep away the hours that i can't devote to you.
i made a new discovery with my psychologist today. we were talking, and then i suddenly spurted out, "it's like i'm living as though no one is there [for me]." it makes so much goddamn sense. i couldn't believe i hadn't thought of it before. it explains why i hate telling people when i feel bad - because i act as though there isn't anyone that will care. it's when i'm really all alone that i'll break down. i don't feel bad about this though -- i'm not thinking "woe is me. i have all my problems to myself." it just seems so normal.
but you know when it does hurt..?
when i want to tell someone everything, and i feel like i can't. i swear i love you.
