am i to be Orual forever?
( 06.20.2003 )
plastic veins. tubes. my life enclosed in fraud. a clean, but transparent outer shell. sometimes i think that all i need is a decent exterior to present. perhaps if i dig my hands into knowledge and experience i'll be only further accepted. negativity and the fear of failure tug at my reins and bark out threats. but i know what's worse than failing. you want to know?
mediocrity.
i want to be brilliant and admired - but the path towards such goals would seem to require a lack of genuinity. i can't--couldn't--be extraordinary without a certain type of disguise.
and here i am: i think that with this diary, i might achieve a sliver of these aspirations. but you know, there's always going to be someone better and always something out of reach.
jealousy has sharp, pounding hooves that ought not be underestimated.
